Here it comes...

Just when I thought things were getting better. Just when I thought we'd all decided to make the effort to make progress. Just when I thought that we would move past the bull and attempt become close. But no... that’s just not possible for my family. Someone always has to have the upper hand. Someone always has to have the last word. I will admit I am part of the problem. I am trying to work on being patient, kind and holding my tongue because the extremity of this whole situation concerns me, but it’s not easy. I've come to the conclusion that we are all stuck on each other’s faults and refuse to look into our own lives and realize that we each have traits that are detrimental and if we want to salvage any kind of relationship for the future, it just needs to be fixed. It hurts me to think that we are slowly but surely taking strips off each other. I can see It In my sister, the pain in her eyes, and the anger in her actions. I hate that I am apart of this and I almost feel like It’s too late.

Honestly… without getting to deep into it… the situation is far from hopeless. The big problem is that I don’t feel like anyone else is seeing how serious it is. We grew up blaming it on silly things that were quite serious but seemed uncontrollable. I was young then. I now see that all these things were controllable and this could have been avoided. But I won’t focus on the past. I thought it was getting better. I thought the Issues of the past would be left in the past. I see now that none of those Issues were resolved, just downsized and ignored. And now they appear to be surfacing. And maybe the only reason I thought it was getting better was because I was so disconnected to the situation and I can tell my lack of attention and compassion made it harder on my sisters. Oh how I wish that wasn’t the case.

I find It difficult because I am constantly told that It’s not my place to give my opinion on these Issues because they are not my own. I will admit I am not the cause of these Issues, nor am I, in anyway in control of the outcome, but do they affect me…? Yes. Do they affect the people around me…? Yes! So I kind of feel like my opinion should matter. But In any case the fact still remains that I cannot control the other members of my family and should try my best not to be apart of the problem. I can, In fact control the way I react to my family, the amount of house work I do In the lacking amount of time I spend there and of course the amount of time I spend with my sisters who often spend most of their time In their rooms when I’m not home.

I thank God everyday for the clarity and perspective He’s given me in this situation. It allows me to see that I am apart of the problem and lets me fix what I’m in control of. And as for the rest of is…. I am putting it in His hands knowing that only He can change their hearts and make a difference and I ask Him as often as I can remember to give me opportunities to change my actions.